Cars That Should Never Have Been: Suzuki X-90

There are some cars that are seminal, their very existence moves motoring on in some way. The Mini, the Alfasud and the Golf GTI are good examples.

The flipside are the cars that should not only never have made it to market but their design teams should have been incarcerated and never allowed into the motor industry ever again.

I'm not talking about bad, Cheap cars here. After all its hardly surprising that, for example, the Lada Riva, Proton Satria or FSO Polonez were dreadful but here we're going to transcend that definition to look at some cars with no redeeming factors.

So we come to the Suzuki X90 a car so mixed up that its appeal was limited to a few mentally unstable people in a very small niche.

What exactly is it? Nominally its a four wheel drive off roader. But then it has only two seats, a small boot and a wobbly chassis. So its a sportscar then? Except that its jacked up like an off roader, has crossover tyres and handles like a bowl of semolina. Well maybe it looks good then? Have you seen the pictures? Premium branding? Suzuki? I don't think so. Economy? No. Comfort? Not really. Good re-sale? Hardly.

I can't see any reason why any person would drive one of these - unless you were being well-paid for the suffering.

They Said What? Vauxhall Motors In Fantasy- land

I'm not a big fan of Vauxhalls. They exemplify the low-mark of mediocrity that manufacturers think can be passed off on the general public. Ford inhabited this same area for much of the eighties but have since moved on.

For some reason Vauxhall sends me its magazine, the latest issue of which makes special mention of the new Astra and, in a (futile) attempt to drum up some ill-deserved nostalgia, looks back at the first British Astra.

The piece contains the line 'the Mk 1 also saw the birth of the Astra GTE... that quickly stole the Golf GTI's thunder'. I kid you not!

Now I'm not sure what planet this copywriter was living on in the 1980s but it sure wasn't this one. The GTE was about as close to stealing the GTI's thunder as it was to beating Concorde across the Atlantic. Contemporary road testers never even considered it in the same league as the Golf and you can look as hard as you like but you won't find a road test that says otherwise.

The arrival of the Mk 2 and its headline 126 MPH did nothing to trouble the GTI either. In fact that car's chronic understeer was a topic of much amusement in the performance and racing scenes.

In terms of eighties hot hatches the Astra comes last behind just about anything else in terms of credibility.

No amount of history rewriting will ever change that. Despite what Vauxhall's copywriters seem to think.

Innocent Until Proven Guilty, But Always Liable

Intending to defend yourself against a motoring charge of which you are innocent? Soon it will be a pointless exercise as the Government is planning to make drivers liable for their court costs whether they are found guilty or not.

Ignoring even the most basic principle of justice - that the loser pays - the Government intends to save themselves £20m a year but not reimbursing the court costs of drivers found innocent of the charge against them.

This gives the Police free reign to prosecute innocent drivers in ever increasing numbers - especially as targets are tied to their salaries.

Whilst they're at it they might as well do away with the right to a fair trial and bring back the hanging judges.

It's looking like the collective nonsense which amounts to a British Transport policy, plus the legal minefield which awaits drivers the minute they set forth on the road may finally be enough to drive us all off the road...

Four Wheel Drive Doesn't Make You Invulnerable

Snow is great fun to drive on, honing your car control at speeds only otherwise available on a skid pan. Snow on top of sheet ice is a different matter and should be treated with the utmost of respect.

In the eighties London used to get regular snowfalls in the winter - nothing that would be noticed by any self-respecting Scandinavian but enough to bring the Capital city grinding to a halt more often than not. On this particular occasion the roads were relatively deserted and I was being very cautious indeed piloting my Alfasud through the morning's new snowfall over what I knew to be ice.

The guy in the Suzuki SJ410 however was putting absolute faith in the four-wheel drive of his ride and the smug look on his face as he came sailing past me was matched only by his ridiculous eighties perm and bleach hairstyle.

Payback was to be swift however, as he reached the bottom of the incline and totally failed to negotiate the gentle corner located there, presumably courtesy of the ice under all that enticing snow. The little Suzuki ploughed straight-on, crossed to the other side of the road and crunched - at relatively low speed it has to be said - into the bus shelter located there all but demolishing it.

Laugh? I nearly coughed a lung up.

So remember folks, four-wheel drive is only of use for traction - putting power down to the road. It won't give you an ounce of improved cornering or stopping ability. A particularly important message as we approach Winter, I feel.

There's A Crossing, Use It

Does it annoy you when pedestrians cross the road just a short walk away from a controlled crossing? Drives me up the wall, especially when its parents with kids or slow moving old people. I remember seeing some research that showed a phenomenally high percentage of pedestrian fatalities happened within 50 yards of a recognised crossing but not actually on one. These people are throwing their lives away on the back of pure laziness.

Our councils are heavily strapped for cash, so if they made an effort to put a crossing in for pity's sake use it. You'll save my sanity, get some exercise and probably live longer too.

Exeo, Spanish For Rebadged

Sharing major components is a way of life for modern motor manufacturers, its not uncommon for the same car to come out, with varying degrees of customisation, from a number of manufacturers. Think Grande Punto, Alfa Mito and Vauxhall Corsa for example.

Whilst its not ideal, its something we can live with if it means that some old names continue to live on past what would have been their final moments.

What VW has done with the new Seat Exeo has been to exhume the recently deceased Audi A4, spit on a tissue and wipe its face; before sending it out of the door in unfamiliar clothes. Not that the old car was bad, just outdated. And at the price of a year old A4 not bad value either. But lets be honest, would you rather park a year-old Audi or a brand new Seat on your drive if you were spending your own money?

Bond Isn't Much Of A Driver

Cars in films don't often end up making for great entertainment if you're a petrolhead.

For example Quantum Of Solace, the most recent Bond film. The opening credits get a plus one for skipping the ludicrous Hollywood explosions whenever there is a car crash, but minus several hundred for allowing Bond's Aston Martin to be pegged by an Alfa 159 (unfeasible) and then a Land Rover Defender (beyond fantasy) leading us to surmise that the World's leading secret agent has all the driving talent of an arthritic pensioner from Southport.

Not good enough Bond. Do better next time.